Nairobi touts hang on a moving matatu [PHOTO/kibaba.co.ke]
Nairobi should be the second most dishonest city in the Sub-Saharan Africa - after Nairobi.
It is here that people say anything to anyone without fear or favour, as long as it brings the daily bread home.
See some of the biggest lies below:
1. Free Wi-Fi inside
Free Wi-Fi is still a dream in Kenya. But matatus are now the most notorious in 'offering' this service which, after you enter the buses, you discover even the normal 4G network on your phone is also gone.
2. Anatibu mapenzi, kupotea, biashara kuharibika
Well, how do you expect a poor guy to 'treat' your love issues when he doesn't have a wife himself. Most of these doctors 'treating' love, lost relatives, poor business spate and other hosts of problems are Nairobians who have never entered a magician's class. Once you send the medicine money through M-Pesa, that is it. You have been duped.
3. ‘Wawili waukweli’
Every matatu in town has a tout calling for the last two passengers. Then you enter and find a fill acre of empty space. Maybe wawili wa haraka means we are looking for two easy fools.
4. ‘Hiyo ni size yako kabisa’
These are clothes vendors. Any shirt you try on yourself is apparently very well fitting. A lie.
5. ‘Hii ni oriji bradhe’
They always tell you that anything you buy from them is original. You have never seen that guy who bought an original Sony phone but when he arrived home, it could not connect to wi-fi and had no bluetooth.
6. I have read and agreed
Well, you sign very many contracts. And you always tick, READ AND AGREED. When was the last time you read through all those paragraphs?
7. Artiste making a major comeback
Even Mr Nice, the Tanzanian, was taught this lie. Of course he had a few bucks stashed into his pockets. But soon the truth came out.
8. I was kidnapped
Ask any politician his plans to win the 2017 polls and they will tell you kidnap is number one on the list.
9. Bedsitters to let
There is a host of house agents letting houses in Nairobi. In every hood. But that guy doesn't even have a house to live himself. After many stories, you pay Sh1000 and then start moving from hood to hood looking for a singleroom to 'jishikilia' as he looks for more.
10. Highly paying marketing jobs
Are you a form-four leaver? Are you Kenyan? Blah blah. Bra, you garra go. You garra leave.