Every man hates the sight of a woman crying for whatever reason. There is something so emotionally disturbing about it that defies any rationality. [Photo/Naij.com]
BY SILAS NYANCHWANI
Griffin was anxious. The girlfriend was arriving in 10 minutes and I couldn’t tell for the life of me what was troubling him. When she arrived, I instantly knew where the problem was. She was class beyond Griffin’s grasp. And it was not class that one is born into, or buys their way into. It was the kind of class one bestows upon herself.The kind that wakes up one day and decides if it is coffee, it can only be Java. They can’t eat chips bought off Moi Avenue on the go. They call chips fries and must be bought from Steers of Galitos. You know the type that go for wines at luncheons, high on heels and expensive outfits and only insist on talking English? Now where Griffin met her is a story for another day, but their relationship was headed nowhere. Actually, it was headed South.Of course we have seen women with class whom we either forced into swallowing their shitty (literary) pride and drink with us at KBC or taking them to some dungeon that you will never catch them dead in their element. There is no place that a ‘classy’ woman won’t go or food that classy woman won’t take if you talk to her nicely. But they are those who can be adamant.I thought about it and I have come up with a list of 10 things that indicate she will be trouble for you. Without much fuss, let us go on…
1. She likes too many movies
90% of all friend-zoned guys can attest that it all started on this treacherous road. You meet a girl and you start talking about stuff. Likes and dislikes. And then you venture into movies and you learn you share tastes. In your bid to impress, you forget the main thing. She then likes your library, and your recommendations but she dislikes you. Since you have been benevolent enough, she can’t dismiss you.Now movies are better, funnier and have good looking people than you. And women are always swayed by movies. To some watching a movie is the ultimate definition of class. Once she opts to friendzone you, she will consistently opt to discuss movies or do movie dealings with you only.Equally, never allow a movie to get into the way on your way to her wonderland. Take it from me. If a woman gets engulfed in a good movie, she can prefer the sofa to your bed. So always, keep movies away until you have had your first shag and boredom has gotten in the way. Being friendzoned is bad enough. Being friendzoned and assigned the role of a movie-provider, recomender to a woman ranks as the lowliest duties mankind can be assigned.2. She has more 2,500 friends on Facebook and more 2,000 followers on Twitter
These are attention seeking whores. They are flirts at worst and date multiple men on the social networking sites. With the exception of celebrities. Seriously, a woman does not need 2500 friends on Facebook. Less than 600 friends shows that she is a prude. Between 600-1300 is healthy. 1300-2000 shows that she is active. But more than that calls for something else.More than 2000 means she regularly posts photos from weddings as well as holidaying at the Coast. She regularly posts her mug shots with new hairstyles and she will have her cousins, nerdy friends and her crushes drooling in the comments section, where half the comments are from her.Twitter is something else. Getting 2000 followers on Twitter requires hard work. There are some women who take the wrong approach of using nude and suggestive avis to posting very provocative tweets and brazen flirting.The reason a man should avoid these women is because with such kind of numbers, she is likely to be online all the time, flirting and looking for something funny. And you will find difficulty holding a modest conversation with her before she fiddles her cute fingers on her touch-phone. One of these fine days I might have to strangle a woman who fiddles her phone in my presence. What recalcitrance makes one do that?
3. She can’t eat at Kosewe/Highlands/Sizzling
More than 5 times I have bought a good and pricey meal in the aforesaid restaurants and it has been returned untouched. Mostly, because the Ugali tastes yuck or the fish smelt bad. Some of these women can’t even disguise their hatred and dislike for the food. So I toil hard, I take them there and their pride gets in the way.Immature women can be costly. Ordinarily, if the food is not OK, you would expect that they should take as much as possible. It is the only way you can thank a man for his efforts even if in the evening your yuppie boyfriend is taking you to a decent dinner. I have come to accept, any woman who will refuse to enjoy the above ‘average’ meal is the same woman who will snob your relatives and your friends she regards lowly.Avoid any woman who can’t get along with your bad days when all you can afford is a beer at Riviera. More often than quite, they are never worth the trouble.
4. Drinks too much on a week day.
I still hold the belief that women should not drink. But if they must, they should do so honorably. Now, gentlemen avoid women who drink on weekdays. She is either a lesbian. A pervert or generally loose, if she takes too much alcohol. Take it from me.5. Cries easily…
Every man hates the sight of a woman crying for whatever reason. There is something so emotionally disturbing about it that defies any rationality. We get weak. We are confused. It makes us feel bad about ourselves. It makes us feel like beasts.Now here is the news. Crybabies are manipulators. They arm-twist you into forgetting the main point of concern or the source of conflict. Any woman with ready tears is a potential cause of trouble. Though, those born after 1988 seem well placed to deal with simple emotions. But mostly, women who cry are cheaters.They are likely to cheat in a relationship just but to feel good and their guilt might drive them to report themselves. Bad for them. Avoid these women.6. She has opinion about your friends
Any woman who has issues with your friend is trouble. Press skip on her. Your friends play a great role in your life and you must guard them from anyone who tries to come in between.We all have bad friends. Drunkards.Those with stinky feet.Gluttons.Players.Perverts. But they do play such a significant role in our lives. If a woman makes you separate from your male friends, you are not worth your wood. And you should be castrated.
7. She compliments other men in your presence
What women have never known is that men are jealousy, we catch feelings and we can be insecure. If your woman saw you being distracted by some good dressed ass across the room, she might slap you back into your manners. They feel betrayed.Now there are women who often feel compelled, to say something positive about another man in your presence. It could be someone taller than you in the room. Or someone handsome. Fact: By the time a woman says such a thing, be sure that she has conjured a sexual romp with the said man in her brain. I am just saying. If it is someone closer to you, you risk even losing her to him. Trust me on that.8. She goes to Jehovah Witness or Winners Chapel or she is generally savedSave yourself bro. If your interest is to lay such, you will have to walk a long, convoluted, circuitous route that you might be forced to give up on her altogether. I am talking of such women who are saved, more so those who belong to these denominations that are strict but can still flirt. Boy, they will eat your salary, but still can’t give it to you.Unless you are willing to make some religious commitment, forget about her. They are never worth the trouble.9. She talks gloriously of her ex(es)
A woman, who has not gotten over her ex, is a dangerous one. It means that if the ex still wants to deposit his spoof in her, he can still get it. Avoid her. Women miss their exes when you can’t provide something that the ex used to do.Either the ex used to drive her crazy with multiple orgasms and you simply can’t deliver even one or used to spoil her with gifts but you can hardly afford the things her former yuppie boyfie used to do. I once took a woman to Coast by bus. She unconsciously told me that the boyfriend used to fly her down. I have never felt more wasted.Any woman who talks about exes cannot be faithful.10. Always free on weekends
The Nairobi proverb puts it better: There is nothing more expensive than a woman who is free and available every other weekend. This one will make you shylock all your electronic goods just but to feed her fancies.Avoid her for two reasons; one you will go broke trying to satisfy her hedonistic and epicurean tastes. Secondly, if you can’t do it, they always have someone more loaded, than you and older who can do it. And trust me, they have them.Bonus11. If she belongs to GNLD and other pyramid related nonsenses
Avoid her. First she must recruit you and use you to climb those ridiculous hierarchies, then you must help them sell those sawdust tablets that help revitalize your health and clean your uro-genital system. As well those detergents that promise to kill all living and non-living germs.I subscribe to the school that getting laid should be an easy task. If not, try the red-light. Court a woman through conventional means. If she shows any of these signs, know that you will be causing yourself avoidable problems. One more thing:Remember there is plenty of fish in the pond, if she is too proud or problematic for you. But be sober because the fish are not into bestiality. You pervert.
Editor's note: this article first appeared in Silas Nyanchwani's blog.