If you think a hummer is a cool ride…, go for a mental examination. Hummer! That thing is ugly AF. It is big, obnoxious, arrogant and stupid. I mean, only people with self-esteem issues should drive a hammer. [Photo/Pinterest]
“Every man is a damn fool for at least five minutes every day; wisdom consists in not exceeding the limit”-Elbert Hubbard.There is a cliché that common sense is the rarest thing on earth. Everywhere you look; there is no sense in the world. The choice of topics in FM stations is sex, sex and more sex. Someone actually built Kibaki an office worth Sh700 million. The cost of laptops will cost more than what the teachers demand as a salary increment since 1997. We have Sonko as the senator of the capital of Kenya. Our members of parliament…Anyway you get the point. I am often persuaded that Africans, going by the evolution theory, there is something off about Africans…we just can’t get it right…can we?More to the point, while politics is a field where inferiors (more so intellectually) tramp over superiors, we can move closer to our social lives and help those who need some serious psychological help. And I have 20 persons who need immediate help…20. If you find those Akon-Naija collabos good music, book a date with a psychiatrist pronto! It is not the auto-tune or the irritating Akon’s voice that gets to me. You need an IQ of a mongoose for you to enjoy those ‘Chop ma money’ songs. And I am not being xenophobic, but someone, pray, tell me what are all these Nigerians doing in my hood. I saw some bargaining Mutura…How did we get here?Now back to Akon. Admittedly, there are two or three songs you don’t mind an Akon hook. Like that Obi Trice-Snitch song…That was one hell of a song. I don’t mind ‘I am not my hair’ remix with India Arie…but that is just about it. An accident should happen to Akon’s voice and he spares us his mindlessly copious collabos. Especially, those with Nigerians and Ghanaians. Anytime I see Kenyans dancing to those songs in a club, I straight away understand why Obama too long to come to Kenya. West Africans give the rest of Africa a bad name…Look at their hairstyles during football tournaments.19. If you think a hummer is a cool ride…, go for a mental examination. Hummer! That thing is ugly AF. It is big, obnoxious, arrogant and stupid. I mean, only people with self-esteem issues should drive a hammer. You must have been abused as a child, molested by your uncles for you to even thinks a hummer is a good car. I did a survey of all perfectly sensible men, and I can report here that no one deems it a decent ride. The only exception is Raila Odinga. That was a marketing gimmick, which failed disastrous. I think the apocalypse would have come if we had more than ten of those at any given time in Nairobi.18. If you support Manchester United…Manchester United as a club and its fans suck. I am not going to waste precious sentences writing anything about it here…I dedicate TuPac’s Hit’em up with the clean parts censored. The first verse goes to Mourinho and the technical staff. The second verse, goes to Pogba. The third verse, goes to Fellaini. The fourth verse goes to Mata. And that final killer verse goes to Ibrahimovic.No team has a bunch of self-entitled, really spacey buggers than Manchester United. NKT117. Men over 25 with a Mohawk… Rather unfairly I think, men with Mohawks, skinny jeans as well men who perm and plait their hair should be stripped their man cards and pass by the desk where they change their orientation. You can’t disgrace the entire honorable sex in pursuit of your stupid inner self. Men who go for manicures and pedicures too need to have their brains scrutinized. If you are a man and you sit to have a your nails clipped and you think metro-sexuality is cool, you don’t deserve a woman.16. A woman over 25 who listens to Nicki Minaj…Anyone older than 25 who thinks Nicki Minaj is a musician, is probably the reason Kenya performs badly in football. After 25, a woman needs a better taste in music. There is a correlation between Nicki Minaj, black ice and looseness. Or is it just me…And a woman who enjoys Nicki Minaj, probably will lack the intellectual grit to sustain a decent conversation.15. People who watch Big Brother…America is busy exploring Mars. James Cameron and Larry Page would like to start extracting platinum from meteorites and you sit your ass there watching Big Brother. Seriously. Super highways and Vision 2030 cannot be attained as long as we have adults so idle as to flip the channel and watch something sensible, like the animal planet. Huddah got expelled the first week to save us time and focus on better things…14. Women who drink Kingfisher and Woodpecker…Get that bottle fixed. It is ugly AF. You deserve better. That bottle ruins the fun. By virtue of that bottle, you need to pay a psychiatrist a visit to see where you lost it.13. Men who drag their women to a bar when it is supposed to be a boys’ night out… These men need to be castrated. You agree to meet as boys, and one insists on dragging his mama to the joint. Even when you have picked the dingiest, macho joint where smoking is allowed and mud-slinging sanctioned, he comes along with it, ruining any possible fun. These men are a disgrace to humanity. To manhood. And even to womanhood. Grow up.12. Women who insist on following their men to pubs…Get a life. You won’t stop your man from cheating by such trivial deterrences. If your man is a cheat, he is a cheat. Unless you stick by him 24/7. So anytime you have the urge to accompany him, I recommend that you pass by Aga Khan, if they have a psychiatry department.11. People who fancy Ugandan music…As long as they sing in Luganda and not in Swahili, they will remain shady and backward to me. And so they should to you. And clubs that play Ugandan music should pay higher taxes for insulting our collective sensibilities. And people who dance to Uganda music, should be arrested and be made to sweep the city every Monday morning.10. If you don’t find Kelly Rowland sexy…If you are a man and Kelly Rowland’s decidedly raunchy songs don’t turn you on, you are gay. Period. Kelly Rowland’s seductive smile in ‘Representin’ should work up any man. Her playful and horny self in in ‘Lay it on me’ is just what you need on a Monday morning to put the week into perspective. What more motivation d you need? Seriously.9. Men without beard who argue with men who have beards…Disclaimer: Anyang Nyong’o’s beard doesn’t count here…There ought to be a rule for men who don’t have beards, never to take beer from a brown bottle. Green, yes. That is for sissies. Forget about genetics. Men who have not grown enough beard are susceptible to make bad decisions in life like picking Manchester United over Arsenal. Or picking Jay Z over Nas. Or picking Messi over Ronaldo. See, it is a mental disorder and a checkup can help.8. People who leave skid marks in toilets…A death sentence is what I recommend. Nothing is as offensive in life like that greenish-yellow marks stuck at the bottom of a toilet sink. More so, if it is an adult who just got out. That is just gross. And that image remains permanently imprinted on your mind. I have ever dumped a woman for this.It is always simple, always, flush water first or pour water, preferably with soap-Harpic to smoothen the path. That is, if you anticipate a sticky dump. And aim, correctly into the water, if you can’t help it. In event of a floater and no water, well-handle that. It is your problem.But leaving skid marks is just shady…Wait water to fill the cistern. I know those minutes can be longer than microwave minutes. Longest if someone is waiting for their turn for a pressing long call. But wait and clear your mess. I mean, Arsenal have waited longer for a trophy.7. If you have DJ Kalonje’s mix in your smartphone…Smartphone has been used generically to refer to Ideos, Tecno and other cheaply rated smart-phones. Someone is not sweating in a Korean chaebol or China, so that you can stock some ragga songs in your phone. Style up. I mean that is a place you stock decent music that can help you reflect on life.6. If you listen to Riddims after 24: As one annoyed tweep, @Mokaya once observed, those crappy things are never played at award ceremonies. No CEO in the world has ever told an interviewer that he listens to Riddims. No serious, self-respecting person listens to Riddims. If you are in a university, or has a degree and enjoys Riddims, you need a quick mental check-up. Life cannot take you seriously.You just have to look at the things Demarco did in Kenya. Remember RDX. And the weekend mess the ill-fated Tarus Riley show left behind. And who on earth parades Alpha Blondy alongside an upstart like Tarus…Epic fail.5. Men who take wine in bars…4. Men don’t respect women…Any man who picks unnecessary wars with women should be stripped their man card and be submitted to the Intelligence Department to examine their IQ. Really men don’t exchange words with women. They don’t poke fun at their weight and other biological morphology that women have no control over.I mean, part of the responsibility of being a man is to always play fair. Never hit someone when they are down. Unless, for women who behave extremely bad.And importantly, if you don’t like a woman but you like having sex with her for the sake…Just release her, there is always some nigga somewhere who will love her better than you. Don’t cause misery on others unnecessarily. One man’s trash is easily another man’s treasure…3. Women who go back to their exes, while in another ‘serious’ relationship: You deserve to die. Cheating is bad enough. Cheating on a serious man with your ex is equal to murder. Move on B***h. Get over that SOB.2. Men who date women on Facebook…I am yet to meet a Facebook relationship or even hear of a sexual experience that ever worked. I mean it is 2017, you don’t just flirt with a woman on Facebook and you agree to meet for a drink and a possibility of a lay.1. Women who chose to support Manchester United and have it in their Twitter Bios:It is bad enough that women are into football nowadays. But why pick Manchester United of all teams. Women who support Manchester are not independent minded. Of all teams, why Man U. Don’t give me that crap about winning trophies and such…Women are such bad judges of character. They always get it wrong.To me a woman who supports Manchester is a turn off. I foresee unshaven armpits and even where it matters. All I see are toes that look like hooves of Satan. All I see are brown teeth (Nakuru fans, pardon this).A woman who supports Manchester, probably moans falsely in bed. Probably, she is bad in bed. A woman who supports Manchester is simply fake…This is a personal opinion. You take it with a pinch of salt, of course….Editor's note: this article first appeared in Silas Nyanchwani's blog. Follow him on Facebook.