Falling in love at 19, courting for four years and finally getting married; Millie Wangechi knew not that the love union she once shared with her now estranged husband would fade away 10 years later.
The mother of three says that she had it all in life with her husband who was loving and caring in the beginning but changed.
The change was so intense that he emotionally abused her and became an absent father to his kids; he was gallivanting from one corner of the country to another with different women on weekends to party.
Pushed to the edge many times, she flirted with the idea of separation but shoved it off until things got so thick that she threw in the towel.
“It’s now four years since our separation and I feel great but the first year was torturous. I sank into depression and seclusion but I pulled through it by God’s grace. I am glad I made the bold decision to walk away,” says Wangechi with a smile.
However, counselling psychologist Gladys Chania likens marriage to chickenpox noting that “you are lucky to just have it once.”
Chania shares harrowing statistics on divorce ratings globally maintaining that 20 per cent of first marriages fail within the first five years while 48 per cent end up in divorce by the 20th year.
She explains that divorce and separation are emotionally difficult events for both parties because it brings about anger, anxiety, grief and fear but it's also possible to have a healthy dissolution depending on your kindness and compassion towards each other.
Her advice though is “Do not take divorce as a battle if it can't work it can't.” She adds that divorce is a traumatic experience for children though they adjust after a few years.
However, she says that “children are better after a divorce than in a home dotted by conflict as parents’ quarrels put children at risk of psychological and social problems".
In her experience, Chania says that common issues that kill marriages are adultery, political convenience, the feeling of one partner not doing enough to satisfy the partner financially or otherwise while others just grow out of love.
Nevertheless, issues that end up bringing down marriages, the psychologist contends, can be avoided if both parties communicate effectively and are able to understand each other.
“Marriage is an institution and it needs a lot of commitment to grow it. It’s a process that needs respect, trust and a lot of time together to continue learning each other. Marriages need adjustment as we grow in them because they change as years pass by. If unsure of how to handle it, consult a professional marriage therapist,” she advices.
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