After I took my girl home for introduction, my parents were happy. We ate some hard chapattis and stew!
Then, my father put me and my girl to task on whether we were ready to live as husband and wife; we foolishly said yes.
It was now time for the family to see us off. My father asked for his godfather and jacket, haha!
As we walked, dad pulled me aside and whispered: “My son, there are some things I want to tell you. Let them go,” he said.
My girl and mum left us standing at a tree trump on the roadside.
Dad then poured his wisdom in a fashion I had not seen. I later learned they were the golden rules in marriage as listed below:
1. Pay your wife’s dowry immediately
Don’t behave like Boko Haram, go appreciate her parents and get blessings. If you borrow a dress for a party, the owner might come for it before the party ends and embarrass you!
2. Never let her know how much you earn
Don’t be fooled by the feeling of hot love as you start dating or while new in marriage, never let your wife know how much you earn. Only fools do so.
Real men keep it a secret in life and death. This rule also extends to all those other money deals you have, to be clear, never let the woman of your house know all your wealth.
3. You are the head of the house
If you have married her, you are the head of that house. She must listen to your words without objection. And she must always seek permission before doing anything in that house.
If she wants to change the position of the bed, she must first seek permission. The bedroom is yours, and you must remain on top (no pun intended).
When she wants to make changes, she must ask before touching anything. In the sitting room, she can make changes but not touch ‘your seat’ (where you sit) and the position of the TV. If she has to, she must ask first. Her only place is in the kitchen!
4. Never shy away from giving her a few kicks and blows
When you were seducing her, you promised her she will be getting everything in your place.
Everything includes a few kicks and blows. Research, whatever that means, also shows 99% of women who enjoy intimacy love a few blows! It’s called serving hot love!
5. If she ever came for a division of property in case of a divorce, start by her
Your wife is your number one property. You must always protect and take care of her.
And in case one day they show up with divorce papers and demand that you share the property you have, ask the judge to show you who you will share your wife with first before going to the land and houses.
6. She must always get home before you
There is no way you can get to work late than your boss. When you do so, there are repercussions.
The same applies here; if she ever comes home after you no supper should be eaten in that house that day, cause trouble son!
Only men who are ‘seated’ on get home before their wives. Even if there is a very good reason for her to be late, make sure you are also later. You must be the last to enter (no pun too)!
7. If she ever treats the pastor better than you
If one day a pastor comes visiting and is treated better than you, chase her out and tell her to go live in the church. Do not buy any kind of crap from the so-called pastors on your wife!
8. Love her to death
Even if she is 'yellow-yellow' and the perfect definition of beauty; brown with a black silky hair, nice African curves, and shapely legs, one day she will look like a beaten soldier, so worn out that you will not want to look at her twice in six weeks.
Make a decision to love from the heart, it will help you when she turns into a sack. You will still see her as the girl you brought home today.
You see, when you look at all these old women, you can easily wonder what made their husbands waste all those goats on dowry. But what you don’t know is that they were as beautiful as that girl you have brought to us today!
What am I telling you? She will become ugly after giving birth to your children, keep her, love her and treat her well!
But always remember, a man has to be a man no matter what!!