When a woman tells me that she likes wine, the first thing I do is locate the nearest exit. [Photo/Shutterstock]
BY SILAS NYANCHWANI
The initial stages of dating are usually interesting. I normally like the small talk. You know, the usual standard lies about likes and dislikes. A woman telling you that she doesn’t like sex as such and can go without it for as long as she wants or telling you how she has turned down men ranging from the rich and the famous to her ‘stupid’ bosses. Apparently, all bosses are stupid when it comes to dating. They are always fat, potbellied or balding, according to the women I have spoken to.Men are equally liars in their own right. Seduction is much more like politics. You can employ every dirty trick in the book in order to get laid. You can lie, you can spend, you can buy her all the black ice in the counter and, just but get her loosen up. A man no sooner learns about what makes a woman tick than he re-adjusts to her reality, albeit temporarily, just but to get her to bed.A story is told of a student leader from my university who had hots for this ridiculously beautiful Muslim lady that he converted to Islam, if only for a weekend with her at the Hilton. He spent about Sh250,000, switched religion from Atheism to temporary Islam, had his way before ditching her. I don’t know exactly who was the fool in that tryst.But those are the rules in the game. We both know them, subconsciously. I suppose, women can smell a lie from a mile but all a man has to do to make her believe is get the right tone, the right facial expression, and add the words ‘And I mean this’ for a woman to start taking the man seriously. In my little experience with women, here are the seven lies that I find hard to tolerate:1. I only take wine!When a woman tells me that she likes wine, the first thing I do is locate the nearest exit. My experience or lack of it indicates that women have fanciful tastes that are normally dictated by the financial position of the man footing the bill. I have seen a wine-loving woman turn into Kibao-Vodka alcoholic in the least fashionable way and shortest time possible.Wine! Why would anyone go to a bar or a club to have wine? Somebody teach me. I came straight from the village. Wine? I always try to establish where the chick was brought up. If born and bred in a reasonable urban centre, I can excuse her, a little. If she came from the village like me and I know it, I go ballistic.There are places where wine taking is acceptable. The pretentious dinners. Pretentious cocktail parties. And at home. But in hard parties and in a club it is unreasonable, uneconomical and most importantly stupid to order some wine. It costs a dime and doesn’t make sense to me and to every intelligent straight man.Here is the thing with women who take wine. One they are likely to be difficult and the kind who try your patience before finally letting you lay it on them only for you to discover they were not worth the trouble. Secondly, such women think, nay, dream that by claiming that they take wine they will look polished, classy and distinguished. It puts them in their own league. The ‘Unchips Funguable’ category. Americans have a word for it: BULLSHIT. You can tell a lot about a woman’s character by her liquor preference.The strictly wine type is the type that a man must avoid. They have self-imposed rigid standards that are unfair to themselves, humanity and above all men. They tend to have the nasty attitudes that can lift a plane or propel a space ship. Avoid them. They are never worth the trouble. By the way, with the benefit of hindsight, no woman is worth any trouble.2. LeggingsMy ever incensed friend recently bemoaned the fashion sense of Nairobian women. He said that next women might paint themselves and walk around for all they care. The most tragic fashion sense is this thing they call leggings or tights or whatever they are called. Those small, body-sticking, disgusting clothing that every woman is now wearing.When women made them official pants, I thought they had stretched the joke a little too far. When fat women took them with fervor, the joke ended. Why? Why leggings. Why leggings on a Monday morning. Why leggings to work, even if for comfort’s sake. The lengths which women can go in order to be comfy can be stupefying. I mean they have pushed this ‘comfortable’ button to the limit. If the word comfortable had rights, it will probably be protesting against overuse by women.I have a specific aversion for women who opt for the leggings and a top that barely covers their ass as the only cover for their body. It leaves little to the imagination. And when you look at a woman without imagination, that woman better be worried. I think the best compliment a woman can get for a man (any man) to regard her sexually. And the main reason for such ridiculous, offensive dressing is to be noticed. Why try so hard?3. The movie body language and languageWomen in Nairobi have apparently been watching too many movies. Ever since the big-screen died and stalls started selling every movie at Ksh 50, women have been watching. And not just watching, but also learning. And learning keenly. If I was to support piracy, this would be the sole reason I would add my signature to that petition.If one borrowed a line from a book, it is commendable. But from a movie, it is way way too clichéd. But that is even pardonable. What is not acceptable is gaining some deceptive and subtle accent. It sucks, especially if you stay in Buru Buru or Dohnholm. I admire when a woman can speak fluent English. Add some little accent and my libido is already on the downward trend.But consciously or unconsciously or even subconsciously imitating some movie body language, even if it is porn really sucks like a vacuum cleaner.Stupid body language imitating includes that pulling back of the hair and having some mild frown. It is sexy, but on the movie. On the movie it is natural, because the whites have generally long hair, so it makes sense. Around here any man intelligent enough can tell one is trying too hard. And please, get off those silly facial expressions. Natural is sexy.4. Preferring a bedsitter/sq in South B to spacious 1 bedrooom in DonholmWhether for conformity or whatever, I can’t stand life in a squalid, timid bedsitter. But somehow it works for them.For bragging sake. Women!I always consider this arrangement very selfish.5. Eating in poshy eateriesI like average places. You know the Highlands, Sizzling, and anywhere where tea goes for less than Ksh 100. Not because I can’t afford high end places but because average places sell the best meals for a commoner. Try the Highland or Sizzling tea (and they have not asked me to advertise them) and if it doesn’t knock you down then you belong to the line of ancestors that discovered that a pawpaw is edible.But women in Nairobi posses epicurean tastes. If it is fries, they like it from the right place…the Galitos and the likes. If it is Ice Cream, they want it from a designer equivalent of a food joint. I hate it when they sulk if you don’t get it from the right place.It is ego-crushing when a woman fails to recognize your effort and leaves the food you have bought on the table. It is insulting, especially if she claimed that she was starving and she fails to eat. Especially, if the food turns up cold or substandard. It is not your fault but she gives you that look of ‘find a better place next time’. Nkt.They like good places where they go to get cancer. The highly tasty but inorganic food is bad for their health and any cursory glance can tell you that obesity is upon us in Nairobi. Ladies, always appreciate the little efforts men make to please you. You may be having men who treat you better and afford better places but if you give another man less fortunate some audience, respect his choices.6. Using emoticons in texts and chatsI don’t know but I find emoticons so dishonest. I mean there is something creepy with smileys. But women seem to like them. Be they French, be they British, be they Korean, be they Argentine, be they…name it…they are suckers for the emoticons. Emotions are spooky.Nothing screams pretence, dishonest, lies like emoticons. Smileys are to me provocative but in a wrong way. They are offensive. There is some element of mockery in them. It is like a woman thinks by dropping one; she will evoke some emotions in you. It is like she imagines that you assume or think that she really values you so much as to drop one smiley, here and there but all it rings is empty. If they stopped using them or used them a little too less often, like when they mean, all intelligent men will appreciate.7. Parties, baby showers, weddings and any place they can meet for some bad gossipWomen like partying. There is a warning amongst Nairobian men that a woman who is free over the weekend is already a big expense. Women want just any other place they can party and do some gossip.You know the baby showers in order to sit in the corner and sigh that the ‘bitch’ finally got paged and delivered. To query who probably is next. To gossip who is getting laid around too much and what is anticipated. To compare if the kid is as beautiful as the kid of whoever in their circles.In weddings, the bridesmaid purposely want her female friends to be envious, that’s why she can go to all the lengths to ensure it is as big as it gets. The female friends on the other hand are there with disbelief that Sheila eventually got into marriage ahead of Everline who has always been in a relationship and everyone thought will be getting into marriage. By the way who finds the name Everline as the least imaginative name like me? Is there a famous Everline?They will be fussing about everything from the amount of meat in the Pilau to the wrong colour of dresses for the flower girls to the unsmiling groom. They will be very cooperative but the amount of backstabbing going on can bring down even the strongest building in Nairobi.Women! If only they had the biological capacity to spell, pronounce and articulate the word SIMPLE, the world will be a better place. But as the British comedian Seymour Hicks once quipped:“Nobody knows more about women than I do. And I know nothing about them.’Editor's note: This article first appeared in Silas Nyanchwani's blog.