Relationships aren’t always a rollercoaster of pleasure, bliss, and happiness. Our partners may not necessarily cheat on us, yet disagreements may arise. As Milan and Kay Yerkovich say in their book How We Love, it all boils down to love styles, many of which we inherit from our parents or primary caregivers. Some of them are destructive in that they affect how we relate with our partners.
1. The avoider love style
The avoider is easy to spot. As a significant other, he or she often appears emotionally distant, leading to their spouses or lovers to imagine that they do not care. They don’t share a lot about themselves. This person is self-sufficient, and tends to take care of his or her needs without involving the other partner, and expects the partner to do the same. The avoider also avoids conflicts by agreeing quickly to what the other party says.
2. The pleaser love style
What drives the pleaser is simply pleasing the significant other. It is based on the fear of being rejected or disappointed. Pleasers often go out of their way just to ensure that they are in good books with their partner. He or she quickly atones for what he or she perceives a conflict through gifts or what they have established as what their significant other likes. Most importantly, pleasers avoid conflicts at all times by being the good man or woman he or she has grown with.
3. Vacillator love style
The vacillator is quite idealistic when it comes to relationship and romance. They rush into things quite easily, often masked as love at first sight. But it is not. Their desire is for a deep connection between them and their lovers. Beneath this charm is the feeling of fear learned from previous experiences, that their loved one may withdraw their love at any time. The vacillator is often quick to terminate a relationship when she feels she is not getting enough.
4. Controller love style
The controller wants things to go the way they want. It is either their way or no way at all. He or she does not give you breathing space if you get into a relationship because they make all the decisions in that relationship. Most probably, the controller feels like his or her lover can’t do without them. The only emotion they know is anger.
5. Victim love style
The victim accepts his or her status of victimhood. They’ve grown with it, so they think it is normal. The partner can cheat, and sometimes abuse them yet they will calmly accept it, without seeking help. The victim tries as much as possible to avoid conflicts.