Black couple in bed. (Photo/Single Black male)
While we’re told that a critical factor of any good-relationship equation is honesty, we still have to wonder if it’s really necessary to share your sex number? After all, what purpose does it serve? Meaning, if you know you’re both faithful and healthy, why do either of you need to know about things that went on before you met? Then again, you share other aspects of your past with your partner, why shouldn’t this be one?
This is definitely a touchy issue and according to sex expert Tracey Cox, "No matter how many people you've slept with, it will always be too many."
Men may look at a ladies life differently after she reveals the number. It is a lose-lose situation all around. He may see your number as too high, or even too low, depending on his experience.
“Some people are concerned with being too far above average because it will make them look promiscuous; others are concerned with being too far below average because it will make them look inexperienced,” says Justin Lehmiller, a sex researcher. He adds that being too far above average tends to be a bigger concern for women, who are judged more harshly than men for having a more extensive sexual history.
Here are the negatives of telling your partner
It might change how you perceive each other.
We all know that the number of people your partner has slept with shouldn’t make a difference to your current relationship - after all it is ancient history. But you should be mindful of your own feelings towards casual sex, ‘promiscuous behavior, or lack thereof, before you go digging around for information.
“If you ask your partner how many people they’ve slept with and they tell you, try not to judge them,” advises Saddington. “You wanted to know after all.
“If they’d rather not tell you, it’s fine to ask why this is, but don’t push them into it and respect their privacy if they say they’d rather not.
“If your partner judges you for the number of people you’ve slept with, consider that this says a lot more about them and their own insecurities and prejudices than it does about you.”
It could be a sign that your partner is too controlling.
When you are making the decision about whether to open up, bear in mind that you don’t owe your partner this information and you have a right to keep it private if you choose to do so.
If your partner casually enquires about this, then there is no need to be concerned, but if they pressure you into ’fessing up, be mindful of their agenda.
“It is worth asking yourself, or even asking them directly, why it is they want to know,” says Saddington.
“When they ask you the question, if it feels intrusive or uncomfortable, you’ll know instinctively. If they push you into saying it, this can be the sign of a controlling relationship.
“A sign of a healthy relationship is feeling like you can tell your partner if you want to, but not feeling like you have to.”
Giving an arbitrary number means nothing.
At the end of the day, a number is a number, so make sure you don’t torture yourself too much with this arbitrary marker of ‘sexual experience’, because we all know that how many notches you have on the bedpost doesn’t determine how good one is in bed.
“Giving a specific number of people you have slept with might not achieve very much - unless they want to know,” says Ryan.
“It all really depends on the context and understanding exactly why they want to know.
“If it’s relevant to understanding what you both do and doesn’t like sexually then that’s important for physically communicating between the sheets, but if it’s about tallying up who is more ‘sexually experienced’ then this will achieve nothing for your relationship.”
The choice is yours. However, if you have decided you do want to share this information, be careful about how you approach doing so. Before sharing the information, talk about whether you both want to know. Otherwise, you might be left feeling like you’ve shown your hand too quickly.
Finally, remember what is worth sharing: “Going into details about who, where, when, what positions you did it in and the size of their various body parts may not be helpful,” advises Saddington.