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Disrespect erodes the bond that holds a couple securely together. It’s impossible to build connection when your relationship is deprived of respect.
Treating others with disrespect and mocking them with sarcasm are forms of contempt. So are hostile humor, name-calling, mimicking, and body language such as eye-rolling and sneering.
When disrespect begins to overwhelm your relationship, you tend to forget entirely your partner’s positive qualities, at least while you’re feeling upset. You can’t remember a single positive quality or act. This immediate decay of admiration is an important reason why contempt ought to be banned from marital interactions.
What does disrespect look like? It was discovered that the best way to measure fondness and admiration is to ask couples about their past. How did they meet? What were their first impressions of each other? If a relationship is in crisis, partners are unlikely to elicit much praise by talking about the current. Talking about the happy events of the past, however, helps many couples reconnect.
If a couple can revive their fondness and admiration for each other, they are more likely to approach conflict resolution as a team, and the growth of their sense of “we-ness” will keep them as connected as they felt when they first met. Partners talk about how attractive they thought their partner was. How funny they were. How nervous and excited they felt around each other.
Despite all the pain and negative feelings that have accumulated over years, there is still an ember of friendship. The key is to fan that ember back into flames, and the best way to do this is by creating a culture of appreciation and respect in the relationship.
The Holy book teaches couples to look at their partner through rose-colored glasses. Instead of trying to catch them doing something wrong, catch them doing something right and appreciate them for it. Even the little things. I like how you did your hair today. Thank you for getting my favorite ice cream. I appreciate you vacuuming without me asking you to.
Identifying contempt is the first step towards getting your relationship back on track. If you and your partner need a little extra help, you may benefit from couples counseling.