A campus couple.Photo/capitalfm.co.ke
Meet your men in campus“Campus men are not that interesting to look at, ” so begun an article for the stillborn magazine I was editing some time back. The annoyed female student then proceeded to classify the men in campus in the most impossibly hilarious manner that it got us laughing uncontrollably in our editorial office. She hit below the belt and even though unsavory, we chose to run it. Too bad the magazine never came out. Building on the same, for my four years in campus, here are the men I have encountered. Every stereotype and insalubrious statement regretted in advance.
Without much fuss we roll:
Edu-Mum’s boyThey are always small in size. They are young, most of the time one or two years younger than the standard age at their level of study. They are ever cheerful and walk in pairs of friend from home or those they went to high school together.
Even at fourth year, they are kids. Can’t cook, can’t wash their clothes and believe that spreading their bed is a crime. Alternatively some can be painstakingly orderly and I presume their mother must have had a military approach to parentage. They have a fascination for play stations and annoying parties in the hostels. They are either shabbily dressed and don’t care but their attire is unmistakably fashionable and pricey.
Most of the weekends, they go to the estate: to eat well and sleep. They finish college and go back home until they get a job or start working for the family….
They only spot a beard when in fourth year.. They need al the time to grow.
Thomson-The villagerMostly, they have Christian names such as Peter (Peterson on the ID), Paul and Abel. Probably they went to the best school in their districts and made it here in every inch a villager. Four years in campus, the village is still existent in them. Thye have not shed down their prejudices or stereotypes.
These guys cook all the three meals in their rooms. They are the most patient individuals in campus…I mean, who else has the time to boil beans until they are ready. They have every cooking gadget, from the cooking stick to the tea sieve. They take food matters pretty seriously. HELB sustains him and they have never seen the need of owning a phone with a coloured screen. They dress formally and their lives revolve around the lecture theater, their rooms and the place where they buy vegetables.
Weekly, they receive foodstuffs from the village, sent by Eldoret Express or Nyamira. They never polish their English. Hakuna haja. They never polish their mannerisms. Why should they…
These individuals go through school without school passing through them at all. They turn up for employment and the employer instantly enrolls them for an etiquette class. They shave at the college at the college barber shop and read the newspaper there. They dutifully attend classes and their transcripts are normally admirable.
They date women from the village or equally villager women in campus. Their visiting girlfriends are always dressed up in choir uniforms, but then again they look wifely than most women around.
These guys listen to Kameme or Ramogi and sometimes you will hear them blasting their favourite Benga tunes, much to the chagrin of the neighbors. These burgers block the sink with refuse remains which they never learn to dispose of. And I suspect they are the ones who soil the loos forever…
Pato-the college CasanovaIn his first year, he laid every loose or naïve girl in the vicinity. In second year, he laid every naïve and loose first year he came across. The cycle continued. Now at fourth year, most women loathe him.
His life revolves around women. Everything he does is geared towards laying a woman. He dresses, talks, sprays himself to impress. He is a constant source envy among his peers. His list of booty calls is endless. And make no mistake…they are all beautiful. Often he was the luckiest who laid the prettiest thing in class before the prettiest thing grew some attitude towards men in the class.
He can do anything to lay a woman. When it is a dry season, he can even fake a part and buy drinks where he can even spike the drinks just but to lay. Sometimes he is spotted by very young women who he calls, vitu ya mtaani. He is never the tallest nor the most handsome; just that he has a way about women.
Average Calvin
He is of moderate built. He speaks impeccably. The coward mostly cut his teeth with a fist year when he was third year. He works out privately and he is a cool guy to hang out with. They are popular among certain circles.
He is average in every sector; looks, bed, seduction, class but a nice guy. He is monogamous and often can marry his college sweetheart. He is the vulnerable man. If he meets a respectable woman, they make the best of couples. But again, he is often the most easily played man, and he will never tell. He could be romantic and nice guys, but guys often laugh behind his back how often their (most of the time pretty) chick gets laid.
Mr. Average will finish campus, get some banking job, three or four years late runa wedding that will be shown on telly….
The sophisticated villagerMost of the time, he is of the Nilotic region…Teso, Turkana, Saboat et al…Unless of course, his name is Douglas Mwati…he he
They listen to BBC. Read outdated, high profile magazines such as the Economists, Time and Newsweek. The fellows are normally intellectual and their political insights are worth giving a hearing.
They listen to country music or rock. They have a certain inexplicable taste. Most of the time, they never lay a woman while in campus, but even so there is ever the likelihood that he is married. They belong to those constituency bases or county organizations and they give the word marginalization a whole new meaning. Of course, there are normally three or four of them and they know each other. They can access their MP pap, like that….
Saved DavidHe came and straight went into the church. By the second year, he is shockingly the head of his denomination in a campus. Most of the church stuff, books, guitars, and materials are kept in his room. Their rooms are normally impeccably clean. These men hardly participate in sexual jokes are often prudish in an annoying manner.
They have read the bible and they are pseudo preachers. There are those who are fanatical. The type that conducts prayers around funny corners of the universities at funny hours. They are spiritual. And overzealous. They dress formally and believe jeans is evil. They like their shoes leather, brown and black.
The HustlerHe doesn’t sleep. He has worked in every single organisation, from a bank to teaching high school kids. He has worked with GNLD and Tanaj. He is enthusiastic and corny. He can sell you anything, from computer parts to pirated movie copies including the rare Avril Lavigne collection.
He is well connected and he knows where a body can be dumped. Hustlers sell their rooms and go head to live with someone else. They are very economical and most of the time, you wonder where they take the money. They never go to class. They only sho up exam time, loaded with Mwakenyas. Needless to say they pass.
Editor's note: this article first appeared in Silas Nyanchwani's blog. Follow him on Facebook.