A couple arguing. Photo/relateme.com
The list of “A” words included: Acceptance, Admiration, Affection, Affinity, Allegiance, Appreciation, Approval, and Attentive. All of those words are relevant and essential to a healthy relationship. They’re good words.
A red flag
If couples don’t or can’t or won’t argue, that’s a major red flag. If you’re in a “committed” relationship and you haven’t yet had a big argument, please do that as soon as possible. It’s important for you to understand the anatomy of your arguments
Arguing is part of the deal
Arguing is just part of the deal, it’s one of the permissions of a committed relationship, kind of like sex. Think about it, you get to have sex with your partner and you get to yell at them at the top of your lungs. Can you do that with a colleague at work? No? Whenever you can’t solve an argument, recognize and remember that you’re normal, that kindness and humor help, and that in the end, perspectively is key
Having agency in the midst of arguments
What does agency mean? It means you’re not subject to the whim of the moment. It means you can choose in the midst of that very same moment.
Choose kindness
It’s easy to get caught up in the power of a single argument, but what if you took a few steps back to explore the anatomy of all your arguments. How do they start? How do they escalate? How do they go off the rails? How do they end?
If you could map them out, understand them, predict them, perhaps you could defuse them. Kindness helps. It can pave the way to repair and remind you that your relationship is bigger than your argument. Humour helps. It can break the tension of the moment and provide the opportunity to connect anew.
Whatever it is, whenever you can solve an argument, do. Whenever you can’t, recognise and remember that you’re normal, that kindness and humour help and that in the end, perspectively is key.
Whether you find it encouraging or discouraging, arguing is simply part of the deal for committed relationships. You get to choose what you do next.